We Fear Her Boyfriend Brian Austin Green Is Home Alone Making “Music”

With the Transformers sequel right the corner, it’s been all Megan Fox, all the time.  She’s outed herself as a bisexual, but really, who in Hollywood isn’t these days?  Being bi is the new black.  And she’s trash talked Angelina Jolie.  We’re sure Angie stays up late crying on Brad’s shoulder in distress.  Frankly, we’re weary of Megan already but then again we’re not men.

Megan gave the pimply adolescent boys at the MTV Movie Awards a thrill with acres of bare skin in a Dolce & Gabanna strapless brocade mini dress.  The dress is a shortened version of the one Beyonce wore to last year’s Oscar (which we hated!) but we’re adult-y enough to swallow the adjacent hate and admit it’s kind of cute on her.

And those shoes — Christian Louboutin Differa sandals — are slap your mama sexy.  Move those played out YSL’s to the back of the closet; they’re soooo last season.  Christian Louboutin’s Differa is getting around H’wood more than Doug Reinhardt! It’s smoking hot in every sense of the word, despite its impracticality (the heels are 140mm, or about five and a half inches), its price tag ($1,495 for the plain black patent ones), and its ability to make the wearer look like a regular at an S&M club.

But Megan’s Chernobyl day-glo orange skin and oddly slicked back hair are an epic fail.  Is she a victim of product overload like Robert Pattinson?  Are her plastic parts molting?  Dear lord, is she trying to tone down the sexy because she (gulp) wants to be taken seriously as an actress?  For the love of Restylane.  Honey, you’ve got about two, maybe three, years before things begin to sag and some new hottie starts snagging all the trophy parts so just smile, nod and make sure you have a good accountant ’cause you know Brian Austin Green will just spend all your cash those ridiculous hats of his.

Add a sexy edge to your look in these S&M-esque ‘Minnah’ heels from Steve Madden.  Being bad never looked so good!

By ShoeMinx Red Carpet Watcher Paige Muller

All Aboard the Balmain Crazy Train Of Unnecessary Extra Fabric

Pardon us in advance for the plethora of Obsessed puns that are about to follow but really, the producers were just asking for it with that pun-able title.  They could have dodged the SNL potential if the flick was a really awesome updated version of Michael Douglas and Glenn Close’s epic, never-cheat-on-your-wife-or- your-psycho-lover-will-stalk-you-and-kill-your-kid’s-bunny flick.  But since Jerry O’Connell is in it, it’s pretty pretty much guaranteed to be the next the Glitter . The trailer is SO HORRIBLY BAD, we’re tempted to plunk down the $10 and change to view the cinematic calamity for ourselves and laugh our pants off.

Beyonce is so obsessed about missing out on The Oscar That Should Have Been Her’s Because Daddy Said So, she hitched her wagon to this dreck because her agent said it would really show her range.  Or some such nonsense to earn his 20% commission.  Miss B clearly bought it since she turned up on the red carpet in her usual over-the-top diva ensemble as if she’s expecting some kind of award for just showing up.  Is it a gown?  A mini dress? No, it’s the red carpet version of a skort! Which sounds like one of those anonymous movie reviews that at first read somewhat glow-y but on second glance says not much of anything:  Best comedy opening this weekend!  So to clear up any confusion lest you assume our approval: Beyonce’s has-to-be-1989-because-I-look-like-a-Whitesnake-video-vixen dress would be cute, if it actually was 1989 when bicycle shorts still counted as pants. And Tawny Kitaen was wearing it while doing splits on the hood of a fire-engine red Corvette.  Really, all that’s missing is a wind machine and random occurrences of Beyonce getting doused with water for some inexplicable reason.

Mrs. Jay-Z’s black pumps are fine but aarrgghh!, we wish TO GOD AND RACHEL ZOE she would get over her obsession (OK, we’ll stop) with matching her Loubs to her outfit.  B, nice girls don’t have to coordinate from head-to-toe anymore like Donna Reed.  We assume she’ll wear something suitable to the Razzies to get her Golden Raspberry for Best Unintentionally Hilarious Movie and Most Over-Acted Performance By An Actress With A Weave.

Black pumps, like a classic LBD, are always red carpet ready and available at ShoeCompare.com.

By ShoeMinx I’m-Not-Obsessed Fan Paige Muller